I have always thought that I was ready, ready for anything. Ready, but not necessarily prepared.

I am always ready for the first rain of the season; it is usually a long time in coming, especially in these years of draught.  Since I can remember, I have pulled my kids from whatever they were doing to run and splash when it finally arrived.  Although I grew up in an area where you wouldn’t be able to tell the first rain (because it happens so often) I am no longer prepared for weeks of dampness.

My son just turned thirteen.  He is my second, my youngest.  When I announced I was pregnant, our then 3 year old said, “group hug” standing on the arm of the sofa the three of us hugged.  I was ready to have another baby, but not prepared. I thought I knew what to expect but that proved to be wrong.

There were many times over the years of my children’s development, when I was ready for them to move on.  I had changed enough diapers, searched too often for the lost pacifier, tied one too many shoes, unable to sit through the 101st viewing of the same Disney flick, checked a backpack too many times for the elusive “not” homework, homework.  Now that my daughter is in her senior year of high school I am not prepared for her departure to University - I am not even sure that I am ready for it.

Last week was freshman orientation at Stanford. Even if you weren’t aware, you would have known there was something going on in town. The lights on El Camino are timed, for a relatively stop-less drive from street to street, but with the extra cars it was stop and go. The out-of-towner’s’ dropping their 18 year olds off for a great new adventure; life on campus.

There was a hum at the Stanford Terrace Inn. Packages had started to arrive days before the new students and their parental counterparts.  How do you get to Bed Bath and Beyond, Target, Ikea and numerous other places, was the most popular question.  All that could not be shipped must be purchased prior to move in day.

I was paying more attention this year making some mental notes of things that I will need to do and to avoid. I am getting ready, the excitement, the anticipation, the planning, but what I am experiencing most is the grieving.
I wasn’t ready to have my first child, in fact I really didn’t ever see myself as a mom. So now 17 years later I am even less prepared to let my first-born find her own adventures. Am I ready? I am not sure, but I will try to be prepared.

Shanti to all

Barbara